1/9/2015
Taking my dinner at a familiar old favorite place since I’m in town for a few things this evening. Central Market is my favorite grocery store I’ve found yet in this big world, their salad and soup bar so good. Thai coconut curry mushroom soup. Big hearty salad. Bottle of kombucha, good for the stomach. Life is good.
Had a beer this afternoon with the friend who has been the loudest voice of dissent regarding my relationship with Jenn. We haven’t talked much in a while, distance growing between us as he felt I was making a mistake and wasting her time and didn’t know what I was getting into and would only break our hearts once I started to feel trapped and panicked. He makes fair points. He knows me well. He feels like he has been helping me row a boat away from a situation for over two years and now sees me turning toward what he sees as another situation that will tie me down and cause resentment to build from the loss of freedom. He feels like asking him to be excited about this is like asking him to help me paddle back toward trouble. He just can’t do it. He hopes he’s wrong, hopes eventually he can be excited for us, but right now he just can’t. And that’s ok I suppose. The friendship is intact, many years of love and shared life there. I see his points, I fear that trapped feeling too. I am all too aware of the bear within me and the way I have responded to caged feelings in the past. I can’t be caged. She doesn’t want to cage me. She feels trapped herself and craves freedom. This friend’s dissent has led us to have conversations about these fears. Some walls went back up in her. Rightfully so. But relationship between these two humans has to follow no one’s rules but our own. We can build this into whatever we want it to be. She knows I have to roam, knows well the wanderlust I feel in my bones. I want to take her with me as much as possible. But I know work and wandering will sometimes take me away when she cannot go. Those will simply be facts of the life we carve out. She does not want to cage me. I want to un-cage her. Life is long. Anything can happen. Love like this is worth finding a way for. I am reminded of the vision I had in Hawaii, of the drawing I did to attempt to capture the memory of it. There is a path. There is a way.
I met Jenn’s 14 year old son two nights ago, shared a dinner at the house with their little family. I was nervous for sure but happy to be trusted enough to be introduced to the most important guy in her life. Those two have been a team for a long time. His biological father has not been part of his life. It’s been those two against the world, and now there’s another little one they are raising together. He’s the man of the house at 14 years old. He is quiet and deep thinking and helpful. Artistic minded, a pleasure to be around. We coexist comfortably, enjoyed building a campfire out back after dinner. He shared some of the music he loves, outside my usual sphere of sounds but I was surprised to know many of the artists he enjoys. I guess my taste in music runs a pretty wide spectrum. Jenn asked him later what he thought of me and he said I was different, I was calm. I like that word. He’s pretty calm too. I’m very glad to have finally met him, I’ve heard many good things about him. Next up is a grandmother Jenn wants me to meet. Trusting me with her closest people. I do not take her trust for granted. It is a beautiful, wonderful things when deep trust runs both ways between two people.
Yesterday Jenn absorbed the shocking news that her mom has been diagnosed with lung cancer and needs surgery immediately. Her dad has been living with emphysema and chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder for years, his health deteriorating but he has outlived the doctors’ predictions. The family has been processing his health problems for a long time but this comes out of left field about her mother. Terrifying words that dredge up hard memories for me. I know that fear. I have taken those deep shaky breaths and tried to accept what I could not change and put trust in the miracles of modern medicine. She is in good hands, and it was detected early. Hopeful words. Jenn wanted support and distraction last night and came out to see me, we talked for a while and then headed into the little town of Port Townsend to wander its beautiful old downtown. We climbed the stairs to Sirens, shared beers and fresh mussels at the bar, shot a game of pool that brought more laughs than great shots on that worn out old table. Laughing together is one of the very best things we do. I love her laugh and she loves mine. We feed off each other, can’t stop once we get started. It’s beautiful. I fall a little more in love every time we laugh. We moved on and wandered more until we found a little restaurant on a side street with good crab cakes and sesame ahi that was amazing. It was a perfect little date, we passed a smoke back and forth down by the water afterward and watched the ferry come in and the moonlight on the water. Slowly drove the back road miles out to my peaceful home, fell asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow. Tired people who needed a good night of sleep before the early morning alarm called her away and back to her life. I’ll stop at the pub and see her before I head home tonight. It’s a Friday and she will be busy but we’ll share a few smiles and maybe some bits of conversation here and there. The weekend is nearly here and we have plans together once again. I’ve got a peaceful, easy feeling.
Ethan's thoughts 